Thursday, October 11, 2007

If You Weren't Married, I'd Kiss You

I've never seen a man run away so fast in all my life.
Through the kitchen, out the front door, down the steps and to his truck. It was a nice truck. Full of internet cable wires and blue writing on the side. No backseat for smoochin' but I didn't care. He was the man for me.
I had an imaginary two-second affair with the cable guy.

Let's talk stress.
The last twenty-four hours I've been virtually wireless, and after the fifth (count' em 1 -2- 3- 4- 5) technician in ten days, a host of well-meaning and helpful friends and a slew of techies on the phone at all hours of the night - it all boiled down this afternoon to "Well, ma'am, it looks like your Internet Explorer is corrupted." I was a up a creek without a peace globe paddle.

Picture this.

After my not-so-subtle threat to turn the company over to the Better Business Bureau and call the local news channel to complain about them, and offer to send two ex-boyfriends to put a little testosterone power behind those words and/or break their knees whichever came first - they sent two people this time. One for backup.

Pencil Skirt was riled.

Stop the presses. Sigh. It's true. I have been known to "let one fly" every now and then. Only when appropriate and only when desperate.
I was desperate.

This is not becoming of a Queen.
It's twenty-six days 'til BlogBlast For Peace and I am faced with a major computer issue. I do not have time for this! An hour at my house and no luck today. Again. The final word came with a sting, "The Yellow Pages. I'd start with the Yellow Pages first. Find a good wireless laptop technician and take your computer to him. Is there anyone you work with that knows something about computers?"
I'm thinking. "YOU'RE HERE. You're HERE in front of my computer right now. This is what I am paying you to do. Isn't that your job??!!"
But I didn't say it at that point because I was exhausted and worried and wondering how in the world I was going to do peace globes on an old computer that came over on the Ark. And what good did my ranting do anyway? And how am I going to find the funds to buy a new software program and possibly a new computer at the drop of a hat? And wonder what people will think when I disappear from the blogosphere right before BlogBlast?

Will they say she was fickle?
Will they?

I was so distraught that I momentarily forgot about the power of the skirt. You know it's bad when the obvious escapes my attention.

I didn't give him the pitiful look, the woeful look, the give-me-a-pacifier look. It was more of a panicked and deranged demeanor sprinkled with a slice of bipolar. I refrained from complimenting his naturally curly hair and tight jeans. Neither did I verbalize the internal charge I get seeing a man with a toolbelt dangling seductively from his outer hip with all kinds of gadgets and sexy things attached.

Shhh...Don't tell.

He was smoking.
But my sizzle was offline.

Don't I look deranged?

So I just went for the truth.
"Don't you know that world peace is at stake? Dr. Anonymous is waiting for a BlogTalk Radio interview, MO and Maggie Moo are hard at work for the cause and we are gonna blog for peace in a few weeks with or without your screwdriver intact; the blogcats are talking 'bout it, I've got bigger gizmos to fry and quite frankly - I just don't have time to fool with this nonsense.

And don't try to tell me you don't know what a peace globe is."Mental illness does not become me.

I was doomed.

A very honest tear slid down my right cheek as I went to the closet to find the Internet Explorer CD for an uneducated guess at uninstalling and reinstalling the program. Lucky for me, I didn't find it or I'd be in said canoe without said paddle.
Most men can't stand to see a woman cry - especially if they think it's their fault. They looked at each other and shrugged.

I continued to dig through the file cabinet.
Peace and politics apparently did not amuse them.
World peace did not faze them. Social commentary doth not a toolbelt make.

Until the sniffle. Unobtrusive. Faint.


Now I know what you're thinking. She did it again. Remember last week when I narrowly escaped a speeding ticket (?) because of well.....because well.....I don't know I tried not to do a pencil skirt thing but sometimes it just happens naturally. I can't help it. That was different. It was just my license, my livelihood and my reputation. This is a disaster of epic proportions. No internet? Are you kidding? And besides, that was a little bit of "me" and a little bit of luck through the driver's window. Read the sad tale here.

Manipulation does not become me.

But seriously, today, two minutes after the embarrassing sting of estrogen water fell on my cheeks in front of these two messengers of doom, my laptop experienced a miraculous healing.
Internet Explorer was behind a firewall that I didn't know I had. That was all there was to it. All of a sudden I saw the most beautiful sight in the world (well, besides George Clooney but who's really watching that anyway these days?) It was a man with muscles. Megabyte brawn. And then some.

"How did you DO that?" I exclaimed! And that's when the pucker offer came flying out of my pouty mouth.
A happier customer they've never seen. I did not think as usual before I said it. Poor guy was blushing. His partner was in stitches. I was on the verge of adultery. And to think, just yesterday I was so not nice to them. Amazing what internet withdrawals will do to a woman.

I was just kidding about the breaking of the knees.

Off to pimp for BlogBlast and take a nap, not necessarily in that order. What a day and night it has been.
What is that noise??!
Not again.
Did I tell you?

I have a woodpecker outside my bedroom window. He makes so much noise I can hear it clear across the house in the other room with the TV on. Wood ya cut it out??! I yelled..... (ha! I crack myself up)Peck-peck-peck-peckpeckpeckpeckpeck!! It sounds like a jackhammer with a slow dying battery. That bird is insane. He needs a deliverance.

Sometimes it takes a while for a disaster to register.
You don't think?

The cable wire.

Dialing. "I need a technician please.""YOU again?"Just tell him pencil skirt wants a kiss.
I've got a woodpucker just for him."

That should do it.


Liara Covert said...

Amidst all the hullaballo, I'm glad you were able to find a way to sit back and notice tranquil beauty of the woodpecker outside your window. Its so easy to become focused on what isn't going the way you want it. Yet, by focusing on negative vibes, they tend to reverberrate back and frustrate you even more. The woodpecker has the right idea: just keep focusing on moving a head. Of course, he chooses to dig his hole deeper. You chose to get out of yours.

BillyWarhol said...

Keep up yer Great Work Mimi with yer Peace efforts!!



Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

oh my, mimi you surely do have some experiences girl! ha ha ha

smiles, bee

Bond said...

Well well well... glad you are back up amd running....

kathleenmaher said...

If the technicians don't care about PEACE, they must still obey the Queen. Make sure they understand who you are and just how much power your tears, kisses, screams, ranting, tears, threats, longer kisses, and Peace Globes really wield. No need to break anyone's knees when you can so easily bring them to their knees--and keep them their at your mercy.

B said...

argh aren't those the most frustrating things, when it is something so simple as a firewall but you don't know! take a long hot bubble bath and unwind.

you will be getting my peace globe soon.

Linda said...

Glad that one small tear was enough to get those guys motivated enough to fix your Internet Explorer/Firewall issue. World peace is nothing compared to the peace of one woman with a single tear!

As for that woodpecker ... uhm ... no comment!

I am nagging Amanda for a new peace globe - so far I ain't got nuthin' but I shall keep pestering the kid!

Linda said...

By the way, when you're done kissing the techs, I left you an award over on my page! Feel free to come by, collect it, and leave me a kiss!

katherine. said...

The Power of The....Skirt...

You are so my heroine...all hail the queen!!

Lara Croft said...

Isn't it amazing the world we have created for ourselves with technology? The faster it moves, the faster we get used to moving with it and it turns our world upside down when it comes to a screaching halt. But you should have know that pencil skirt or not there would have been a miracle to bring Peace Globes back on line!

Patti said...

What a difficult time you endured, Miss Mimi.
But it's all over and you can get back to your BlogBlast preparations.

And you're right: Mental illness does not become you.

Enjoy your weekend.

Mimi Lenox said...

Bee - It seems I find trouble wherever I go. But the good kind!

Bond - Thanks for your help. It was invaluable.

Katherine - The power of the skirt. Ah. Yes.

Kathleen - You are so right. No need for violence. Knee-dropping is always appropriate in front of a Queen.

Linda - The woodpecker is driving me insane. Your award will cheer me up!

B - The bubbles bubbled last night. It was nice.

Lara - Why didn't I think of that?!

Patti - I am working on a surprise for you but technology is not cooperating. Stay tuned and enjoy your weekend as well.

Patti said...

I am staying tuned...

crazy working mom said...

Whew! I'm glad he got you fixed...

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